Oh but there is.
Today is the day I try to start moving on. Today is the day I start healing my heart. The past few months have been rough. I have watched a man that I have loved as my own father for 20 years, my children’s beloved grandfather, a man to model all men from, slowly pass. A week ago I got the call he had passed. I was relieved and sadden. It was 4 am when I got the call. It was dark and the ex was trying to tell me details. The cat is on my dresser and she starts to puke. The phone crashes. Stuff is flying from the dresser. I ram into the corner of the dresser and say many words that would have the kids yelling, “Sailor”. The ex is yelling from the phone, “Are you ok?” I finally get the phone back and tell him I will take care of telling the kids. I lay back down, but there was no going back to sleep. I lay there thinking of all the things that had to get done. Then I realized “I” had to tell the children. Hardest thing I’ve ever done. To see your children cry and there is nothing you can do. Breaks your heart. Still I had to move and get things done.
So much at the farm had just been done to get through the day. So many plans went on the back burner due the back and forth to the hospital. But still I had to move and get things done. I quickly fed animals. Got food for the kids. I went to the funeral home with Jessie (the kids grandmother). Sat there with the ex and his soon to be wife. Awkward doesn’t even describe it. She and I planned out the memorial booklet. Jessie put me in charge of the service and getting food to the house for all these people. So I did.
I had food coming out their ears. The kids were doing good. They had said their good byes, but they were still sad. I had not had a chance to think or breath. I just kept moving. We had a couple of birds that had to be put down and it was more than I could bear, but I did it. Friday we met with the Pastor for the service. We had no pianist. Jessie’s sister in law was being her usual overbearing self. I told everyone to let it slide we need to get through this. Friday evening we went to dinner with the whole family. I sit down and the ex and soon to be sit right next to me. Oh goody. Mid way through the dinner he breaks down. The kids are watching and I want to flee. Jessie’s SIL steps in and well it wasn’t good. Still we moved on.
Saturday still no pianist. I’m on the edge. I feel like a complete failure. The Pastor says we will put in God’s hands and keep trying. So we did. The funeral was at 4 pm at 11 am we found one. Thank you God. Soon after that my niece, nephew and spouses came to visit the farm. It’s a mess, but they loved it. They were enjoying all the fluffies and smiled for the first time in days. After they left I got cleaned up and realized I hadn’t eaten. My sugar was crashing, but I knew the church ladies were bringing lunch to Jessie’s. So the boys and I decided to eat there. Little did I realize all hell was about to break out. The week was about finally catch up with me.
I get to Jessie’s and was confused that no one had put out lunch. People need to eat. It’s lunchtime and no food till 6 pm is going to way too long. I was told that they were going to wait till 6 to eat. What!! I can’t wait till then. So I decide to get a little bit out for me and the boys. In walks SIL. My sugar is about to crash. I explain that the boys and I have not eaten and we need to eat. I explain that I was only going to get out a little bit. She tells me no. What? I’m not a child. I got this food sent here. Step back woman. I don’t really remember all I said, but I finally decide to walk away(lots of mumbling, maybe even sailor words) and leave to get food. I go to the bed room to get my purse and she follows me and shuts the door. She is less than inch from face. I am now in trapped animal mode. To my horror, in that room was the ex, his to be, niece, spouse, nephew, spouse, my youngest and my daughter. I am being chewed out and told that I wasn’t going to behave this way, TODAY. Really. Once she realized she had the whole freaking family watching her chew me out, she let me out the door.
I am now in full on sugar crash, how I was able to walk is beyond me. I left. I don’t know where I went, but I found myself back at the house and sat in the driveway crying. Crying like I hadn’t all week. The week caught up with me and it was ugly. My heart was breaking and that bitch wouldn’t let me eat. I’m screaming, “I just wanted one freaking chicken tender.” I really wasn’t making sense. The craziest part of all of this, my ex’s to be was consoling me. She was telling no one thought I did anything wrong. Oh the craziness. She’s actually quiet nice. Who knew. And everyone in that room was horrified at the SIL behavior. Everyone knows I have hypoglycemia and when I say I need to eat, I NEED to eat NOW. Poor Jessie was making me sandwiches and everyone ate lunch. Everyone was hungry. So I’m not crazy. Imagine that, people needing to eat lunch. I hide away from the SIL to eat. Every time she came near me, my ex told her to leave. Wow. So he’s not so bad.
I left early for the church. Trying all the way to not cry. My church really came through for me. The Pastor did a wonderful job. The singer was beautiful. The pianist was a God send. And the man playing taps was amazing. We all got through it. We told stories of Pop’s wonderfulness. Katie and Christine came to support me. And they made me laugh. We did eat again at 6. By 8 pm everyone left. The house was clean. I went home and slept soundly for the first time in months. I got up and did some chores, but spent most of the day in bed. I felt hung over. My body decided to stop and I let it. I went over to Jessie’s for dinner and clean out her fridge. I told the ex’s to be that she was pretty ok. I think we are good. I told the ex he’s still an ass, but I liked her. He was good with that. I did say it jokingly. No matter our differences, I love his family and always will. He knows that and appreciates it.
Sunday night was another good night sleep. I think it’s going to take awhile to catch up. This week is all about getting caught up. I need to process everything. Katie, I and a friend are in the middle of a sheep disaster. The proposal was to process the sheep and I almost had a nervous break down. I’m just not there yet. I have lost people in the past. I have lost grandparents who I loved dearly. I don’t know why this was as hard as it was, but it was/is.
I’m better. I know it’s all for a reason. I look at who Pop was and how much he was loved. I see that and realize that’s what I want of my life. I want to be the best me. To be that person who can be depended on, who comes when needed, who loves unconditionally, who is the rock. After all this I realize I am that person. A life long friend of Jessie’s made it to the funeral and she pulled me to the side and thanked me for all I did and for being the “Rock of Gibraltar” through all this. She didn’t see my ugly moment. But I took what she said and realized I am strong, people do depend on me, I come when needed, I love all. Pop taught me well. I am truly thankful for the time I got with him and he will be with me in my heart. I told the kids they were lucky to have such a grandfather and to have so many wonderful memories with him. They get it, but they miss him.
Pop was my go to guy. I look around the farm and see many projects he helped me with. I was fixing something the other day and looked through my tool bag and saw many that he had given me or I borrowed. I can’t give them back. Then it hit me, he’s going to help me with many more projects with these tools and I smiled. It’s good. I’m good. The farm is good. Life will get back on track. Our hearts will heal and life will be good again. Friday Pop would have been 74. I have plans of making an apple cake (that man loved my apple cake) and saying Happy Birthday to a man that meant so much to so many. No more tears, just smiles and good thoughts. You rock Pop, now rest in peace. Have a great week everyone.